Colonel Currently on Crack and Full Metal Frantic
by simplyjx382
Summary: One Shot. Edward is assigned his most craziest mission yet. Just what is that Colonel Bastard thinking? edxroy


**AN:** i thank my anonymous reviewer for catching my vocabulary mistake .. for some reason, I always thought adultery was the same this as pedophilia .. heh.. heh.. yeahh.. I'm kind of stupid like that, but thank you very much :) if anyone else catches any mistakes, please tell me! I haven't had anyone read my fic before posting it, so I'm sure its filled with stupid mistakes everywhere that I can't catch

**Colonel Currently on Crack and Full Metal Frantic**

by StrawberryMango

Major Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist, stood outside Colonel Roy Mustangs

office door, tired, worried, and sleep deprived. He dreaded reporting his discoveries to the Colonel, more so then he did for any other mission or report. This was _different. _This was _life changing. _His discoveries were just plain _wrong. _He debated whether or not he should go through with his mission and report every detail to the Colonel, or if he should just simply go home and sleep until all the all-nighters he pulled for this mission were accounted for.

It all started innocently, or as innocently as Edwards life could get. Four days ago, (has it only been four days? Ed feels as if it had been a life time) Edward had been standing in this exact location, worry-free and completely happy with life, wondering what new mission Colonel Annoying had in store for him that day. How Edward wished he could return to his laid back life style! He had not rested once during the full four days of his mission, nor does he think he could ever rest again after gathering all the disturbing information he will surely never forget.

"I have a mission for you," Colonel Roy Mustang announced exactly four days ago. "A mission that you, and you alone, can go on."

"What about Al?"

"No," The Flame Alchemist said sharply. "This is something you **must **do alone,"

Edward grew very interested in what this mission might possibly be. Something he must do alone? Was it some sort of trial? A test, maybe? Or did he need to go undercover? He began thinking of all the possibilities and how he would approach this new solo mission before the Colonel interrupted his thoughts.

"I need you to do some research for me,"

The blond was now utterly confused, "If it's research, then Al-"

"Do **not **make me repeat myself, Full Metal. Now if you please, I would like to go into detail of your new mission,"

"Sorry Sir," Edward was serious now. His research topic must be something beyond horrible if the Colonel wanted Al out of it. Edward tightened his lips to prevent a smile from forming. So the Colonel _did_ care some for the Elric brothers, he wouldn't be trying to preserve what little innocences Al had left in him otherwise. But really, what could be worse then human transmutation? Al had gone through much more then the average adult goes through in his lifetime. He had witnessed horrible things that no human should even see, he had committed crimes that the devil himself would not dare commit. Al had seen almost all the secrets of the world, what else was there to shield him from?

"Your mission," The Colonel started. Edward unintentionally leaned in, clearly very interested, and trying to get a better hear of what the Colonel had to say, "Is to discover what a certain vertically challenged braided blond- with a hot tempter, currently clad in a red trench coat, black tank top, leather pants, white gloves, and heavy boots that add on an inch to his height– feels for his superior, the Flame Alchemist,"

Edward glanced down at his apparel, his red trench coat, his black tank top, his white gloves, his leather pants, and his heavy boots, then to his side at his braided blond hair, then to his front at his superior, the Flame Alchemist. He raised his right eyebrow in annoyance. He was so annoyed he even forgot to add in a "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE COULD ESCAPE THE WRATH OF A SHOE BECAUSE HE FITS THROUGH THE GROOVES!"

"You're joking" he stated. The Colonel showed no expression on face, the only thing Edward saw emanating from the Colonel was intensity mixed with charisma.

"Do I look like I'm laughing, Full Metal?" The older man asked, eyes fixated on the eldest Elric.

"You're serious," he said in the same tone as his last statement as realization dawned him. "I'm sorry Colonel Currently-On-Crack, but may I please ask **why **I'm being sent on this absurd mission?"

"You may,"

Silence followed and Edward grew annoyed at the sight of the Colonels still expressionless face.

"**WHY** am I being sent on this** ABSURD** mission?" Edward had lost all his patients.

"Because," Colonel Roy Mustang began, "The Flame Alchemist happens to be in love with this short tempered chibisuke, and he'd like to know if the blond feels the same way."

To say that Edward was shocked was the biggest understatement of the year.

"I expect you back here in exactly 96 hours. I'll be eagerly waiting for your report, Full Metal."

The Colonel then went back to pretending to do his paperwork, expecting Edward to leave him in peace. He glanced down at the papers needing to be signed, only to glance back up at an unmoving Eward; the Colonel was clearly amused at the expression the young major wore.

"Dismissed."

During the first 24 hours of his new mission, Edward tried hard to convince himself that the Colonel was only playing one of his sick perverted jokes on him. There was _no way_ that the womanizer of Central would ever be _remotely _interested in Edward Elric. No way what so ever. Infact, he was so convinced that it was only a joke, that the young major spent the first night of his mission rolling around in bed, laughing hole-heartedly at the Colonels weird sense of humor. He spent the whole night laughing and it was only until the wee hours of the morning that his giggling fit died down and he suddenly felt very, very tried.

The Colonel was in love with him.

Edward had a mission to accomplish.

Around the 48th hour of this mission, Edward wondered how he was going to turn Colonels feelings down. He had written a whole 26 minute speech about their relationship as coworkers, and only coworkers. He was going to tell the Colonel that he had feelings no of attachment to the older man, not even friendship. Yes, that was what Edward would do. His speech took half the day to finish writing, he had even finished memorizing it by the time dinner was ready.

That night, Edward decided that he was going to report to the Colonels office first thing in the morning to deliver his speech. He was ready to fall asleep, clearly tired from yesterdays all-nighter of laughing, when he thought that reciting the speech one last time would be most helpful to boost his confidence before rejecting the Colonel tomorrow morning.

Suddenly, a thought hit him. He had been so caught up in the idea that he had to finish his mission early, that he did not take into consideration that he might actually feel SOMETHING for the older man. He didn't feel pure hate for the other. Irritation, yes; hate, no. Sure, Major Elric sometimes wanted to shrink the older man and force him into a small cage that Edward would have transmuted from the Colonels never-ending stack of paperwork, but he did not want the man dead. If he did not hate him, what DID the State Alchemist feel for him? Respect? Certainly, but does that mean Edward had to like him then?

The more Edward thought about it, the more he realized his admiration for the older man. Roy had a certain air about him that demanded respect. He was a good leader, a brilliant alchemist, and Edward could not deny it, but Colonel Roy Mustang was very, very sexy. The rays of the morning sun began to peek over the window and into the room that Edward Elric occupied, not that he noticed though, he was too busy trying to remember every moment he had shared with the Colonel. Edward suddenly froze, then blushed several shades of red when he realized that he was giggling and smiling like and idiot when recalling a rather fond memory of a mildly flustered Roy coming out of the military dorm shower room with only a towel around his waist. Oh. My. God.

Edward Elric was in love with the Colonel.

His 26 minute speech simply would not do.

He was on his 72nd hour now, and he was feeling rather happy. He had not slept for two whole nights, but who cared? The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and all was well with the world, but of course, young Edward did not notice this; the next door neighbors cat, who the young Major cared for dearly, could have gotten run over by a truck and all the world would still be wonderful! The man that Edward loved was in love with him!

He quickly got to work on his new speech, only this one was much different from the last. Not only was it two times longer, but it consisted of sappy love poems, Edwards first attempts at writing song lyrics, and "confessions from the heart", as Edward explained to Al when his younger brother asked, "What on EARTH are you WRITING, Brother!" (After reading his older brothers creative writing pieces, Alphonse had thanked kami-sama that God made his brother an alchemist, and not a writer).

For the whole day, Edward was on a high; he did not immediately leave to report to the Colonel because he felt as though he needed to prepare for a dramatic love confession/report that was due the next day. The moon was shinning when Edward decided that he had done enough preparing for tomorrows big confession. He flipped off the lights in his room and happily tucked himself into bed. Smiling like a mad man, his brain replayed the scene of tomorrows meeting over and over again, much like a broken record (or perhaps a scratched DVD?).

" Oh Roy! You are like my bear toy! I want to hug you.. moy?" an imaginary, messily colored in stick figure Edward sang, strumming happily away on his brightly colored pink guitar (which he did not even own, let alone know how to play.. Edward decided to ignore that fact.)

Equally messily colored in imaginary stick figure Roy sighed little pink hearts and made his way over to a now humming stick figure Edward. "Oh Edo-chan! Come here and let me kiss you!" For some strange reason, Imaginary Stick Figure Roy's voice sounded much like Edwards own voice, only huskier, lower, and more forced. Edward dismissed this quickly and went back to giggling.

It wasn't until he was just about to fall asleep that he noticed the negatives to the two government officials being together. For one, as just stated in the previous sentence, they were both government officials and both working for the same branch. It was an unwritten rule for government officials to have any romantic relationship with coworkers; to make it worse, Edward was Roy's subordinate. If anyone were to find out about their as of yet non existing relationship, Roy, being of higher rank, would be in deep trouble and Edward would seem to be some sort of lowly government whore, working his way up the government latter by sleeping with higher ranking officials. Not only that, but Edward never took their ages into account. Roy would be committed for pedophilia! The young Major was only 16, and the Colonel was at least double his age. Damn society and their stupid rules. It wasn't until about three in the morning that Edward decided not to care about retarded unwritten rules, he loved Roy, and that was all that mattered, right? He was completely content with just knowing that Roy would be a permanent figure in his life.

Ed froze. What if he wasn't? Does love change things? _What a stupid question! Of course is does! _The Colonel had been one of the only constant things in young Edwards more then complicated life. He was almost like family (and Edward almost puked at the idea). What if the new found emotions running through the both of them changed their relationship completely. What if Roy stopped being his old bastard self? What if he stated being _nice _to Edward? Or more frighteningly, what if thing didn't work out between the two of them, and Roy _left_ him? It was morning outside and Edward felt sick. One of the most important people in Edwards life might be leaving him in the future because of what he will reveal to the Colonel today. His 96 hour mission's report was due in twenty minutes. Edward was going to barf and everything was going to change.

It would never work out.

Edward might as well just get it over with.

"I... I think I'm in love with you too, Roy.." he said in a small, unsure, but very firm voice. Roy smirked knowingly.

"What was that? Speak louder Full Metal, I can't hear you. You're midget-like-structure can't possibly be affecting the volume of your voice, now could it?"

Edward gritted his teeth, trying his hardest to ignore the insult. "Well, Colonel Bastard, I sure as _hell _ain't repeating myself, so if you excuse me, I have things to do,"

"Are you trying to ignore the subject? Or perhaps you've already forgotten the words you have just spoken to me? It seems as though height is not the only department you're lacking in, your brain also seems to end at a short stop."

Silence, and then the world exploded.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO MINISCUAL THAT HE COULD GET LOST IN A HUT BUILT ON A HYDROGEN ATOM!"

Once again, there was a deadly silence before the older man responded. "That would be you, Full Metal,"

Edward groaned in frustration.

Maybe this could work out after all.

-Owari-


End file.
